


Those Who Carried On (Without Her)

by Scissiors



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Beatrice is sad, Depression, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, One-Shot, Other Charecters mentioned, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:14:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29848962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scissiors/pseuds/Scissiors
Summary: Beatrice is Depressed after Lewes passes away in the sanctuary. Geuse tries to cheer her up.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Those Who Carried On (Without Her)

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, there's not enough fics out there exploring the friendship that Geuse and Beatrice had. Here you go! Inspired by that one Break-time episode that made me want to cry.

Beatrice sighed, dejected. “Lewes…” She muttered softly underneath her breath.

Geuse, who was in the middle of one of his history lectures paused. He turned to Beatrice, concerned. “Is something the matter?”

Beatrice stiffened. He had seen through her act. “I’m perfectly fine, I suppose. I’m just reading a book since your lectures are so boring,” She puffed her cheeks to mask the melancholy she was feeling.

“You are holding the book upside down,” Geuse pointed out, unfazed by her insults.

“I-I was just practicing my, my r-reading upside down skills, I suppose!” Beatrice waved her arms around, flustered.

“Plus, even though you try to hide it, I know you really love listening to me lecture,” Geuse teased, in hopes of cheering her up.

He was telling the truth. Despite what she may claim, Beatrice always listened to his lectures with eyes sparkling full of curiosity and passion. Especially when said lectures weren’t about manners.

Beatrice’s face flushed even redder than it was before.

“ _You be quiet!”_

Geuse smiled, relieved that her mood had lifted. The average person would be taken aback by Beatrice’s outburst, but Geuse knew her well enough to see the true intent behind her actions.

“Beatrice, what is the matter?” He asked again, this time in a much more serious tone.

The girl froze. “I...” Her lower lip trembled. “I…” The spirit could feel tears threaten to leak out of her eyes, so she made an angry expression in order to fight it. It didn’t work. “I…”

“ _I miss Lewes_!” Beatrice confessed. She was unable to hold in her sorrow any longer as she collapsed onto the floor in a disheveled heap, her grief poured out with a torrent of tears.

Geuse immediately rushed over to comfort her, not even pausing to ask who Lewes was. He gently wrapped his arms around the sobbing child in order to relieve her of her pain.

“It’s okay, It’s okay to cry,” Geuse muttered. “ As a crying aficionado, crying is a good way to let all of those negative thoughts and feelings out.”

Heeding his advice, Beatrice let out a high-pitched wail as Geuse gently rocked her back and forth soothingly.

Geuse then lifted her up. If she wasn’t a sobbing mess, he would have teased her about how little she had grown since the last time that they met.

Beatrice clutched Geuse’s cape tightly as she continued to cry. She promptly snuggled up against him, wiping her tears and snot on Geuse’s shoulder.

They stayed in that position for a few minutes, allowing her tears to slowly decrease in volume and her hiccups to stop causing her boldly to tremble as violently.

Eventually, she stopped crying together and was as still as a sleeping child. 

_Should I put her down?_ Geuse asked himself. The spirit winced as pain from his sore arms muscled flared up from all the time he spent holding her. _I might wake her up if I do. But, she might get upset. if she realizes she fell asleep in my arms._

“Huh?” Beatrice muttered, interrupting Geuse’s inner turmoil. Her eyes fluttered open. She flinched away from Geuse’s shoulder and realized the position she was in.

“H-Hey!” Beatrice demanding, flailing her arms around yet again. “Let me go, you, you buffoon!” She demanded. “Betty is not a small child, in fact!”

Geuse chuckled to himself as he swerved to avoid her soft blows. “Your every wish is my command, my dear student.”

Geuse grunted as he kneeled in order to safely put down the drill-haired girl.

Beatrice puffed out her cheeks in response “Hmph! It better be.”

“Perhaps Echidna is right. Maybe I am indulging her too much,” He mused out loud, ensuring that Beatrice would be able to hear it.

Beatrice knew that he was doing that to bait her. “It is impossible to indulge me too much, I suppose!” Beatrice puffed out her chest in pride, partially due to the fact she was unfazed by one of his jests.

The Bishop smiled, relieved that Beatrice’s mood appeared to be back to normal. “Do you want me to continue my lecture?”

Beatrice paused, her prideful act ceasing at once.

“If you need more time, that is perfectly fine with me,” Geuse added, noticing her hesitation. “Grieving is perfectly fine, so please take as long as you need.”

“That is quite funny coming from a crybaby such as you, I suppose!” Beatrice retorted, avoiding the question.

“C-crybaby!?” Geuse was genuinely flustered. Being called a crybaby was a weak spot for him. “Remember, I am much, much older than you, so if I am a crybaby, then I wonder what that makes you?” Geuse responded in another attempt to cheer her up.

Beatrice looked at Geuse’s eager expression and realized that she had to answer his question.

“Her name was Lewes. Lewes Meyer,” Her eyes wandered to the floor, weighed down by guilt.

“Was she your friend?” Geuse asked, his eyes full of sympathy for the girl’s plight. He crouched down so Beatrice could look into his eyes properly.

“Yes!” Beatrice said a bit too harshly, a bit too eagerly. Images of her and the pink-haired half playing, frolicking, and doing chores together flashed through her mind. “She was,” Beatrice’s voice cracked. “She was one of my only friends.”

While Beatrice would never say such a thing to her mother, being the traveling companion of the Witch of Greed was a lonely life. Many people refused to talk to her due to her association with Echidna. Even fewer dared to be her friend.

“We were so happy together. The three of us. Roswaal, Lewes, and I. We had fun playing together. And then, and then, that _thing_ came along and ruined it all.” Beatrice’s mournful expression turned into a snarl as she thought about Hector, the Warlock of Melancholy. How he brutally maimed and beaten Roswaal into a bloody pulp. How he forced Lewes to-

“In order to drive Melancholy away, she...” Beatrice continued. She knew she was rambling. Tears began to well up in her eyes as thought of what transpired next. “She... Lewes offered herself up to be the ‘core’ for the barrier of the Sanctuary. She’s dead.”

“Beatrice-” Geuse reached out to comfort her.

“ _She’s dead! Gone!_ ” Beatrice yelled, swatting away her teacher’s hand. “It is all my fault! If I wasn’t there to lead her to the crystal, then maybe she would still be alive! I killed her!”

“Beatrice, you did not kill her,” Geuse replied, his voice taking a more stern tone.

“If only I was better at convincing her- If only I was a good enough friend to let Lewes see that her life mattered too!” Beatrice screamed, shaking her head violently back and forth as tears streamed down her face. “I promised her, I promised her I’d teach her magic!”

The handsome man put his hand on her trembling shoulder. “It seems to me that she wanted to sacrifice herself. It was her choice, not yours.”

“And Roswaal,” Beatrice hiccupped. “Ever since that day, he’s been... Different.”

“Different?”

“He no longer has arguments with me. He no longer has magic duels with me. He no longer laughs, or smiles,” Beatrice lamented. The more she spoke, the more dramatic hand gestures she made. “He just… sits on his bed all day, with an empty look in his eyes. Almost like he’s a husk.”

“A husk?” Geuse mused to himself, concerned. He made a mental note to check up on the young mage later.

“Is this it?” Beatrice cried, flinging herself into Geuse’s embrace. “Are all my friends going to die or go away and leave Betty behind to suffer for eternity? Will Echidna go away too?” Beatrice wailed at the thought of such a horrible event occurring. “What will Betty do then?” She asked Geuse, desperate for whatever answer he would give her.

“That is… a tough question,” Geuse conceded. “All spirits struggle with it, I am afraid. But, I have an answer.” He grinned at the sight of the spirit perking up. “And it comes alongside with a story.”

“A story?” Even in her sorrowful state, Beatrice managed to summon the energy to feign annoyance to mask her excitement. Geuse was a phenomenal storyteller. “You really are hopeless, I suppose.”

“It did happen relatively recently only a year or two ago,” Geuse admitted, sitting Beatrice on his lap as he prepared to tell his brief tale. “When I told my dear friend Reid that I would end my own life after he and Flugel died.”

_____________________________

Geuse flinched as the sound of Reid slapping him rang across the room.

“What the hell are ya Blabberin’ about, Geuse?” The first Sword Saint yelled, trembling with emotion.

Despite what the legends portrayed him as, Reid was quite the brutish and casual young man. He wore a crimson kimono, but only wore half of it, leaving the right side of his muscular body uncovered. He also wore an eye patch with an ugly pattern over his left eye. Like the legends portrayed him as, he had long red hair and sky blue eyes, a trademark of the van Astrea family.

Geuse took a few apprehensive steps back in fear. If Reid used any more of his strength, there was the possibility that he would have splattered Geuse’s current body into a puddle. “I-I said, I will take my one life after you and Flugel-sama are gone. I have no reason to go on.”

“Come over here, you.” With superhuman speed, Reid bolted over to Geuse and grabbed him with such strength his uniform almost ripped.

Geuse braced himself, prepared for another blow or berating. However, no such thing came.

“Reid?” The spirit asked, confused. 

The brash young Sword Saint hung his head low in shame.

“Huh?”

No, he wasn’t just hanging his head in shame-

Reid Astrea, the first sword saint, the man destined to help seal the witch of Envy, and the role model for knights for centuries to come, was crying.

“Ya really are ‘n idiot,” Reid muttered with an uncharacteristic amount of tenderness.

“Huh?” Geuse repeated, absolutely dumbfounded by the new development.

“Do ya really think that I or Flugel want ya t’ die after we‘re gone? How do ya think that would make us feel?” Reid growled, his voice cracking with a mix of anger and sorrow.

Geuse looked down at the floor due to guilt and shame. “N-no, but-”

Reid interrupted him by slamming his fist against a nearby wall, causing the whole room to shake. “ _Yer my friend, you idiot!_ ”

Geuse gasped, absolutely flabbergasted. He began to tremble, and hot, warm tears began to trickle down his face. “F-friend?”

“The hell ya cryin’ about now, you?” Reid asked, wiping his tears as he gulped loudly. “Yer always were such a crybaby.”

“B-but you are crying too,” Geuse pointed out, slightly miffed.

“Th-this is different!” Reid replied, his cheeks almost as red as his hair. “Ya cry fer no reason.”

>

The sword saint’s expression hardened as he remembered what brought up this conversation.

“Ya matter to us! We care ‘bout you! So please…” Reid’s voice dropped to a whimper. “Don’t off yourself after Flugel ‘n I are gone, you.”

“---------!” Geuse slowly sat down and burst into even more tears. “Then, then what do I do? How can I go on without Flugel and you?”

“ _Live!_ ” Reid yelled, pulling Geuse back up to his feet. “Live! Live a life that makes ya happy! Live and do things that would make Flugel ‘n I proud, you!”

“Live?...” Geuse muttered to himself, trying to grapple with the meaning behind those words. “But-”

“Move on! Meet new people! Make new friends! Be happy!” Reid ordered. 

“Oh, and ya better be plannin’ to live happily for a very long time,” Reid yanked Geuse by the collar and glared at him menacingly. “Or else I’ll come back from the dead straight out of the Od Lagna and beat the ever livin’ crap out of ya.”

Geuse gulped as a shiver ran down his spine.

“I-I will. I promise,” He looked at Reid sheepishly. “Now, will you please let me go?”

Reid huffed, wiping the last of his tears. “Fine.”

He dropped Geuse, who collapsed onto the floor with a relieved sigh. 

“But, you have to remember what I just told you, you,” Reid said, looking at Geuse with suspicion in his eyes. “ If I ‘ere ya talkin’ ‘bout dumb stuff like that ever again, I’ll make ya wish that you were dead.”

Geuse laughed uncomfortably at the sword saint’s threat. “I-I will.”

Reid smiled softly at his response. He then reached out and tussled with Geuse’s hair. “Yer a good kid. That’s why Flugel and I care about ya so much.”

“You shouldn’t be calling me a ‘kid’. I am much older than you, you know,” The spirit grumbled.

The sword saint simply sighed in response and walked away. “Shut up.” He waved, an indication that his insult also doubled as a farewell.

“----------”

Geuse remained on the floor, still trying to process what had just happened. His whole view on the world, what he was going to do with the rest of his life, had been just flipped on his head with just one conversation.

“Live?” He asked himself, trying to comprehend the full weight of the word he just said.

_____________________________

“Live Beatrice, live!” Geuse said, finishing up his tale. “That is what you have to do.”

“Whoa,” Beatrice said, deeply moved and awestruck. “You know the Sword saint, I suppose?”

“Yes, but that isn’t the point of the story. ” Geuse said, slightly depressed that she decided to be fascinated by Reid, of all things.

Beatrice perked up in excitement at his confirmation. “Can Betty go and meet him?”

“No,” Geuse sternly replied. “He would be a … very bad influence. Especially on your manners, and I am supposed to teach you how to act like a proper spirit, so that would be quite counterproductive for me.”

Geuse looked incredibly uncomfortable about the subject, so Beatrice decided not to press any further to avoid an awkward silence. 

“So, how have you decided to ‘live’ after Reid and Flugel are gone, Geuse?” Beatrice looked down and clutched her dress. She had no idea how to ‘live’ after Echidna would die, so she hoped that Geuse’s answer would give her somewhere to start.

“Live?” Geuse muttered to himself, still reminiscing about his conversation with Reid.

Seized by a fit of passion, Geuse suddenly stood up, accidentally knocking Beatrice to the ground.

“ I want to live a life that would make Flugel and Reid proud!” He proclaimed. He gently cupped his heart as tears of happiness and passion trickled down his cheeks. “I want to live a life full of joy and happiness! I want to travel the world to help those in need, to make sure that a smile graces the face of those who need it the most! I want to repay the kindness that they showed me hundred- no a thousand times over! When people hear the name Geuse, I want them to smile and reminisce about all the ways I have helped them! ”

Once Beatrice realized Geuse was crying, she jumped up to comfort him so that she could soothe him like he always did to her when she was upset.

But when she looked at his expression, she faltered.

The bishop smiled warmly. His expression was that of pure joy. His eyes sparkled with the eagerness, kindness, and naivety of a young child and yet burned with the passion of his vow he had just announced. Geuse’s emotions, his _love_ for the world, and all of its inhabitants who resided within it were so strong that Beatrice was moved to tears at the sight of it.

“That is why I helped found the witch cult! That is its true purpose, my motivation!” The spirit spread open his arms, his palms facing the sky as if he was challenging the world itself to throw whatever it can at him. He constantly gasped for air due to his sobs, but that did not deter his conviction even an inch. “ I want to shower the world with a love like it has never seen before! I’m going to spend every day of my life making others smile like I did when Flugel and Reid are around! I’m going to make Flugel, Reid, Shaula, Volanica, and the Witches all gawk at the good deeds I will do. I want Reid to come out of the Od and say ‘Good job, you!’ ”

Geuse then suddenly collapsed onto his knees, trembling with vigor. “I… want to live a life that would make them all proud of me,” His voice dropped down to a nearly inaudible whisper as it cracked with emotion. “That is my wish.”

“Your… wish. Make them proud,” Beatrice muttered to herself, contemplating what Geuse had just told her.

“Sorry. I got a bit… carried away,” Geuse sniffled as he wiped his face with the sleeve of his uniform.

Beatrice’s lip trembled. “But… that won’t stop me from missing Lewes, or you from missing your friends either.”

“Of course it will be hard,” The Witch cultist admitted, slightly downtrodden. “The pain of missing them will not ever truly go away.”

“ _Then what?_ ” Beatrice yelled, tears leaking out of her eyes. “If the pain won’t go away, then what is Betty supposed to do? Just sit there in constant agony as Betty cries about her friends who left Betty behind?” Betty curled up into a ball and cried, burying her face into her dress. “What’s the point of making friends if Betty will have to watch them wither away and die? Why shouldn’t just Betty just lock herself away in a library for eternity so Betty can’t be hurt anymore?”

Geuse gently put his hand on her shoulder. “ Would locking yourself away from the world count as living, Beatrice?” He asked, staring deeply into her eyes. “Instead of surrounding yourself with people that make you happy, your only companion will be loneliness and sorrow.”

“Betty will have books-”

“What would Lewes think?” Geuse interrupted, tightly gripping her shoulders. “ Do you think she would want to see you suffer all alone, locked away in a library? Would you want Lewes to do the same if you died instead of her?”

Beatrice shut her eyes tight and shook her head violently. “N-no,” She mumbled.

“Then Live Beatrice, live!” Geuse begged, his voice trembling with more anger than Beatrice had ever heard from him before. “Live a life full of happiness and joy, surrounded by people you hold dear! Make Lewes proud, Beatrice! That too is my wish, but if you won’t do it for me, then please do it for her!”

Beatrice paused and opened her eyes, looking Geuse straight in the eyes. “M-make Lewes proud?”

“Yes!” Geuse exclaimed, his eyes lighting up with joy.

“B-but…” Beatrice looked to the side, ashamed. “ I don’t know how to make Lewes proud.”

Geuse softly patted her on the back. “ It isn’t up to me to decide how you will do that. It is up to _you_ to decide how you will live your life,” Geuse said, pointing his finger at her chest for extra emphasis. “Not me, not Roswaal, not Lewes, and not even Echidna. All you have to do is live a life that makes you happy.”

“I don’t know how to be happy, Geuse!” Beatrice confessed.

“You have an eternity to figure that out, Beatrice, so no pressure,” Geuse teased

“And plus,” The Bishop continued, “I plan on living for a very long time. So I will make sure that you will never be alone. I promise.”

“You… promise?” Beatrice asked, her eyes wide.

“Yep! I’m going to be around for such a long time that you’re going to get sick of me and beg me to go away!” Geuse smiled as he reached over and tickled Beatrice’s stomach, causing her to squirm and burst out laughing.

“Betty’s- already- getting sick of you, I suppose!” She exclaimed in between giggles. She rolled over and became a cackling mess.

Geuse couldn’t resist chuckling at the sight. More than that, he was truly relieved that he was able to put a smile on Beatrice’s face.

_____________________________

At first, Beatrice thought it was just a mistake- when Beatrice overheard whispers of an Archbishop of sloth, a madman who had massacred innocents with his self proclaimed unseen hands, she simply wrote it off as some unfounded rumor- the Geuse she knew was well-composed, calm, and wouldn’t hurt a fly. 

When Roswaal handed her a wanted poster of the aforementioned archbishop of sloth who had the same build, height, and green hair that she did, Beatrice told herself that it was simply an inaccurate drawing- the Geuse she knew did not have the crazed, bulging eyes or the manic smile. 

Beatrice heard that Geuse was entrusted with the sloth witch factor. The fact that the archbishop who shared his name and looked eerily like him was also associated with the sin that Geuse was a coincidence, right? The Geuse she knew would not consume a witch factor.

 _Geuse wasn’t visiting Betty because he was busy._ The lonely spirit always told herself, falling deeper and deeper into a delusion of her creation. _One day, Geuse will come back and scold her for even thinking that he would ever do such awful things._

Beatrice then smiled at the thought of them reuniting. After being trapped in the library for so long, that was now the only reason she smiled.

The Geuse she knew would not leave her behind like everybody else, after all.

It was Subaru, of course it was Subaru, who shattered her reality. He barged into her library, overcoming her ‘door crossing’ with ease. He came with a gospel in his hands and more importantly, the witch factor of sloth within him. The one Geuse was entrusted with.

“I took it off of an enemy after a battle” Subaru had said, casually waving the cursed book around like it was nothing.

The entire false reality she had built shook, cracks forming within their walls.

 _The Geuse Betty knows is not an enemy._ The floor’s quaking came to an abrupt stop, the fissures within the walls halted. Beatrice sighed with relief.

“ It belonged to the man in charge of the witch cultists who surrounded the mansion,” He continued. 

The trembling of Betty’s world resumed with a jolt, causing Beatrice to nearly fall over in shock. Books began tumbling out of their bookshelves. The crevices of the walls expanded, their long, spindly fingers spelling doom for the structural integrity of the building. Chunks of the ceiling began to fall onto the floor.

Subaru stood in the center of it all, unaware of the fact that Beatrice’s world was crumbling around her.

 _Geuse would not…_ Beatrice began, trying to avoid the truth.

 _But then why?_ The voice in the back of her mind cried. The voice that Beatrice always shut out because it kept telling her that Geuse had become the Archbishop of Sloth. _Why does Subaru have the Sloth Witch factor, the one that Geuse was entrusted with?_

 _Geuse would never want to hurt Betty._ Beatrice tried to conserve the lie, the false world she had built herself to shelter herself from the truth.

But it was too late. Bookshelves lost their stability and toppled over, the books they held scattering all over the floor, and landed with a loud _thud._ The lights dimmed as the grand chandelier lost its support and now was dangling above them.

“And what became of him?” Beatrice asked as if her very world wasn’t falling apart.

“He’s dead,” Subaru bluntly stated. “I Killed him” To Subaru, nothing was amiss.

With a sudden lurch, the Chandelier broke off from the ceiling and fell on top of the two. The chandelier phased through the two as if it was not real. It was not real. In Beatrice’s real library, the walls were in pristine condition, the bookshelves were standing upright and the chandelier attached to the ceiling. 

_Geuse is gone._ Beatrice realized. _And before he died, he was the dreaded Archbishop of Sloth, a madman who killed many and is feared across the land. Geuse wanted to hurt me._

The ceiling caved in, causing debris that should have hurt them to rain onto their heads.

“Then you left me behind too, I suppose,” Beatrice said, trying to distract herself from the destruction that wasn’t happening.

_____________________________

“Geuse…” Beatrice muttered to herself, curled up in her chair, all alone in the forbidden library. Her voice took on a tone of sorrow. “You promised me that you would live a very long time. That you would never leave me alone. That you’d be around for such a long time that I’d get sick of you and beg you to go away.”

“---------”

“You liar.” Beatrice pulled Geuse’s gospel close to her chest, desperate to feel any of the warmth she always felt when Geuse was around. She would have cried at that moment if she had any more tears to shed left in her miserable little body.

“Why? Why did you go insane, Geuse?” She asked herself. She opened his gospel, hovering her finger over the indecipherable glyphs, desperate to find an answer. _“_ What did this Gospel have that Betty doesn’t? _”_

Of course, no answer came to light. Beatrice was used to this- she had spent an eternity scouring her gospel, desperate to look for any sign, any hint of an order from Echidna, to no avail.

“What happened to you, Geuse?” Beatrice continued on her rant. “What happened to making others smile when they heard your name? To repaying the world a thousand times over for the kindness that Reid and Flugel showed you? To showering the world with a love it had never seen before? _What happened to living a happy life that would make them proud?_ ” She screamed.

“Geuse…” She softly muttered, digging her nails into his gospel in shame. “Is the way Betty is living now making you proud?”

She already knew the answer.

Her eyes suddenly were lit alight with a fire that had been extinguished for almost 400 years. “Geuse… wanted Betty to live.”

Her head was spinning with emotions she hadn’t felt in such a long time that they felt new.

_If Betty can take a step outside the library, then maybe Geuse would be a little proud!_

She closed her eyes and jumped off of her chair. While she had done such a thing many times before, her chest still swelled with pride at her accomplishment.

She looked at the door that had always stayed parallel to her all of this time. A symbol of her isolation from the world. 

“Ha!” Beatrice pointed at the door and stuck out her tongue. “Beatrice is going to open you today! And all by herself, too.”

This sudden change in behavior was so drastic that even Beatrice herself was taken aback by it. _That man is… starting to rub off on Betty too. Maybe he really is… ‘that person’._

She then took a step towards the door. And then another. And another.

With each step she took, Beatrice experienced a heightened sense of euphoria, as if she was about to do something great.

And yet, with every step, her fear grew stronger. The very air around her began to weigh down on her, and what was the spirit’s version of a heart began to palpitate heavily.

 _Taking a step outside of the library is not violating the contract._ Beatrice told herself to calm the overwhelming sense of dread and guilt that built up within her. 

The spirit didn’t feel any better, but the reminder did enable her to walk up to the door she had spent too much time staring at, hoping “that person” would burst through it one day.

 _This is it._ Beatrice stared at the double-doors and took a deep breath. _It is time to not disappoint somebody for once, I suppose._

She reached out towards the doorknob with her hand. It was trembling. Her finger brushed the metallic tip of the doorknob and she-

Jerked her hand back to her chest, as if the doorknob was about to burst into flames. A nauseous feeling rose in her chest, and she was panting as if she had just physically exerted herself. Beatrice’s face was flushed like that of a sickly child with a fever.

“Just...turn” Beatrice slowly reached out towards the doorknob yet again, as if it could bite her. “the... Doorknob....and...push”

She grabbed onto the doorknob with all her might.

Instead of being rewarded with a feeling of satisfaction after her accomplishment, Beatrice only felt more dread.

 _Just what is beyond that door?_ Beatrice asked herself. _Just what is terrifying me so?_

The door, what once seemed like such a small obstacle to the spirit, now loomed over her like a giant. The fact that Beatrice had to get on her tippy toes ever so much did not help.

“And Push,” She told herself.

Her throat was dry as a desert, yet she was sweating bullets. She was gasping for air, yet every time she opened her mouth the spirit was afraid that she was going to vomit. Beatrice was trembling to the point where she almost could not stand up. 

Beatrice was going to get out of the Library all by herself, no matter what. She promised. She promised.

“...push” She repeated, in a desperate, fervent, tone. 

She promised.

Her head was spinning too fast, the voices in her head were too loud. Beatrice felt as if she was drowning on land. 

She crumpled to the floor, defeated, gasping for air. Something warm trickled down her cheeks. They were tears.

“Betty… can’t” She curled up her fists and slammed them against the floor. The floor didn’t even crack.

She promised. 

Beatrice was terrified that if she opened the door, her worst fear would be confirmed.

“Betty is so sorry... Geuse,” Her lower lip trembled. “ Betty is so pathetic that she can’t even get out of her library by opening a door. You must have realized how pathetic I am and stopped visiting me, in fact. Betty is letting down Lewes by staying here in the library, too. And mother-”

Her eyes wandered to her empty Gospel, sitting idly next to her chair. “Betty is letting Mother down too by failing to complete her contract.” 

For 400 years, she was bound by the book’s empty pages and the promise she made to Echidna. _If Mother knew what I have been doing all this time…_

Nothing.

She was doing nothing.

She had sitting in this Library, waiting for ‘that person’ to arrive. And yet, they never came. 

Beatrice knew that she was doing something wrong, but she didn’t know _what._ She spent centuries trying to solve the conundrum, scouring the eternally empty pages of the gospel, but the answer was always out of reach. Like it in the back of her mind, and once she found out the answer, she’d be ashamed for how simple it was.

That was what really drove Beatrice mad. _Mother would never make Beatrice do an unfulfillable contract. Mother must be so ashamed of Betty._

“Why? Why is Betty’s gospel empty?” Beatrice screamed. “Why? Why?” Hot, warm tears streamed down her cheeks as she slammed her feeble fists against the grounds in a vain attempt to vent her anger and frustration.

She already knew the answer.

 _Echidna had forgotten about Betty._ Beatrice could feel her heart sink into the floor. _Echidna had left Betty behind, just like everybody else._

“Why, why, why?” Beatrice screamed. Her vision blurred as her mind gave way to an overwhelming sensation of panic. She was flailing about, not even trying to hit the floor anymore as she recognized that it would only make her feel more useless than she already did.

Beatrice felt a searing pain flair across her cheeks. Blue mist began to pour out into the room.

 _Ah._ She realized, interrupting her tantrum. It was her mana.

In a fit of anger, she had dragged her nails across her face repeatedly, with so much force a gaping wound trailing in its place.

It hurt, it hurt. And yet, it felt so _right._ As if Beatrice was bringing upon herself a punishment she should have experienced long ago.

_If Betty lets it flow out like this, then maybe-_

A moment later, Beatrice sealed the wounds shut, shame bubbling in her chest. She would never break the contract on the own accord.

If (when) Beatrice was going to meet her end and was going to unable to complete the contract, it would have to be by somebody else’s hands. If Betty killed herself, it would be as if she broke the contract herself, which was absolutely unacceptable. If somebody else (Subaru) killed her instead, it would be Subaru who broke the contract, not Beatrice. 

Satisfied by this twisted logic, Beatrice got up and steadily walked towards the table, just as if she had not attempted to commit in what her mind was a horrible sin. 

Pain flared up on her face again. Her fingers trembled, chilled by the feeling of cool clouds of mana flowing past them.

 _It hurts. I should be panicking._ Beatrice’s eyes showed no emotion as she calmly watched her mana fade into the air.

“—ah.”

Beatrice’s face was not the only place which mana was leaking. 

Her arms- she had pulled down her sleeves. She was now scratching her arms. Her fingers moved up and down, bringing Beatrice the pain she thought she deserved.

With each scratch, Beatrice only hated herself more. This, in turn, made her scratch herself more. It was a negative, ensaring cycle.

Her fingers- up and down, up and down, up and down. Her movements, which were once frantic and disorganized, had now become calm, repetitive, and almost robotic. To Beatrice, It was an oddly calming thing to watch. 

“--------"

“--------”

Beatrice calmly watched her mana seep out of her as more and more time passed. Had a minute passed? A day? A month?

To someone as old as Beatrice, such things did not matter.

_I wonder… how long will it take for people to realize I am gone?_

An image of that man, Subaru, flashed in her mind.

“It’s not like he’ll miss Betty anyways.” She muttered to herself. She was smiling. “He would just leave behind Betty anyways, just like everybody else.”

Beatrice lost balance and fell against one of the many bookshelves within the library. Then, the severity of the situation she was in set in on her.

“Ah!” Snapped back into her senses, Beatrice removed all the wounds she had in less than a couple of minutes. The mana she let out was not fatal, but it was still a significant matter of concern.

Instead of relief at saving her own life, Beatrice only felt an overwhelming sense of shame. She promptly buried her hands in her face.

The spirit then realized the reason she was not able to open the door. She was afraid.

She was afraid that the world had carried on without her. That if she stepped out, it would be in a state unrecognizable state to her. That the entire world had left Beatrice behind, without even giving her a second thought. 

Echidna, the greedy witch and Beatrice’s mother, had left her with an empty Gospel. Beatrice knew that she was dead, but a naïve part of her hoped that she was still alive somewhere, happily scheming away. There would be no other explanation for why Roswaal’s gospel was still working. And yet this possibility brought Beatrice infinitely more despair, as it posed the question of why Echidna did not bother to put any orders in her Gospel.

Roswaal, who had succumbed to insanity after his humiliation from his fight with Hector and the loss of his teacher. With and every generation of the Mathers family, Beatrice had seen more and more of her old friend slip away under the guise of the man who had ruined their life. While Roswaal was still alive, it was clear that his soul had become rotten to its very core.

Lewes, who was trapped inside of the core of the sanctuary due to Echidna’s selfish schemes. Now, dozens of her clones roamed the sanctuary in her stead, devoid of any personality, memories, and soul, eternally mocking the relationship they once had.

The countless amount of maids that went in and out of the forbidden library on occasions. She watched helplessly as she saw the maids turn from young maidens into old women before she stopped seeing them altogether. Beatrice knew what fate awaited them. At first, she was heartbroken at the news of the maids passing. However, as time went on, and more and more maids came and went, Beatrice, realized how quickly time passed on for her, and fell into a deep despair. At this point, she barely even bothers to learn their names. When she met the blue and red-haired maids, she thought the same thing would happen to them. The blue-haired maid stopped visiting and stopped visiting her, so Beatrice pieced it together and concluded that the Blue-haired maid must have passed away. 

Geuse, her funny and goofy mentor who succumbed to insanity after the Sloth witch factor was forced into him. Beatrice did not even want to think about how such a scenario could possibly arise. Geuse was the one person Beatrice thought would stay by her side for eternity- he was a spirit, and he did promise to stay by her side until she got sick of him- which in Beatrice’s mind, meant for forever- and stopped visiting her after his descent to madness. He was so far gone that he even was planning to kill her, making the spirit wonder: _Did I matter that little to you, Geuse?_

Natsuki Subaru, the one who was able to tear down all of the invisible walls she built up with ease. But alas, he was only a human. Beatrice knew that one day, despite all of his foolish claims of how he will always be there by her side, Subaru will grow old and leave her behind too. Or more likely, forget about her and move on with his life like everybody else.

“They all are…” Beatrice muttered to herself. She was crying again. “Those who carried on.” Yet again, Beatrice was smiling when not even an ounce of happiness was present in her body.

“Without Betty,” She added, her voice tinted with a shade of sorrow, due to the pain of missing the ones she loved, jealousy, due to the fact she did not get to die alongside them, and anger, due to the fact that they all left her behind.

Beatrice struggled to describe the sensation she was feeling. She was crushed under the weight of their disappointment in her. The melancholy she felt was so strong that it made her unable to breathe. She was so exhausted she felt as if her lungs were about to burst. Her vision was so blurred with tears that she thought she was underwater.

 _Drowning._ Beatrice realized. _Betty is drowning._

Beatrice was drowning in an endless blue void- or what Subaru called a “sea”- of isolation and loneliness. She was dragged down so far deep that the spirit could barely even see her hand stretched in front of her, grasping for the help that never would come. The pressure she felt at every moment was so strong that Beatrice thought that she was going to burst at any moment, her lungs about to burst as she gave into the deepest and darkest thoughts within her mind.

Beatrice smiled, the third time that day when she should not have, as she accepted her fate. “Betty is meant to die alone, unloved and forgotten… in this world that keeps carrying on without her.”

**Author's Note:**

> What a wholsome story. I'm not sorry.  
> For those who like my main fic, "The Vow", the next chap should be coming soon, before the 19th, but that can be subject to change because life can be like that.


End file.
